They're watching

It's been an interesting past few weeks... well months really.

I 'll be as candid as I can be without giving information on other people away but lately I feel like I've been under the watchful eye of a lot of people. I don't necessarily think that that's a bad thing, but it definitely isn't a fun thing. No one likes scrutiny, at least most air breathing humans, but we need standards and accountability for society to work.

Let's go back a bit...

Awww... look how cute I was! But too far, let's fast forward.

So a few months ago I had a bad run in with the part of me that doesn't listen to reason. You know... the part that goes deaf after 2 am and makes "awesome" decisions even though you know you're still kinda going through some difficulties after a break up and you think to yourself, this will prove how mature I am now and how much I've grown as a person and how ready I am for the next chapter in my blah blah blah... 

WE'VE ALL DONE IT!

Well not all of us, but many can relate to those statements and what's worse is we REALLY mean it every time. Well mine wasn't different than anyone elses situation here. The hardest part about any of these situations is that you feel judged. No one likes this feeling and I think I know why.

At the heart, we all know our own wickedness. We all know just how much nasty crap we are filled and consumed with and we are all TERRIFIED of everyone finding out just how evil and depraved we are. Let's put it all out in the open... people are pretty awful, even if you're one of the relatively sane ones it's pretty easy to start pointing out our faults. We're all greedy; I don't know of a time when I've said less bacon. We all have hate; driving, nuff said. We're all selfish, and selfishness seems to be at the root of everything else I could talk about.

I had a conversation today with my landlord because I was having rent payment issues to put it gently. He was mostly upset at my lack of communication and was stressed himself at the moment so I was getting quite the venting of frustration to say the least. A surprising thought popped into my head and I was a little ashamed of the thought. "Doesn't he know my situation?"

Doesn't he know.

Have you read my blog? seriously...

Why shouldn't he know? I know that my roommate who collects rent told him. I've got a facebook that he tells me he sees. I'm telling him now and he doesn't understand, if he would only understand.

Then the shame hits. How incredibly self-centered of me to think that someone would seek me out to know if I was struggling. What kind of stuff are THEY going through? I was so self-enamoured that I thought my predicament was so obvious.

I'm beginning to understand the power behind humility. Humility isn't just some secret badge of honor you wear to prove to yourself how not terrible you are. Humility is honoring, it is exactly what many set out to find. Let's put it this way... you can't treat humility like the trophy, it's the bat. You play the game with the bat to win the trophy. The point of baseball is to win the trophy, (tell that to the Dodgers), but the point of having a bat is so you can play. If you're good with the bat, you have a chance at the trophy. I won't get into the whole, "you're humble until you realize it" thing. That's just confusing. That's why I recommend just recognizing how much you need to consider others greater than yourself. Let's look at what my life would look like if I wasn't so focused on myself...

MY JOB: Though it would still suck, I'd have a better attitude about it because I wouldn't be going for myself.

MY FAMILY: They'd get more quality time with me because what I was doing was less important than sacrificing my relationship with them.

MY MONEY: I'd have more of it because rather than being concerned with how I could spend it on myself or even how I could spend it on others, I'd be concerned with being a good caretaker of what I have knowing it's not my own.

You can see how this list kind of writes itself.

I assume that so many people know my situation and that they care. Some may care, some may even be willing to marginally invest some of their own life into mine to prove it, but it's the assumption that is the big downfall. Of course... who wants to ask? We are so scared to communicate honestly and truthfully for fear of what others will think. Even when we say we don't care what others think, secretly, we're thinking, "I hope they think I don't care what they think because then it will look like I'm confident." (He said to himself like a big boy!)

So back to the beginning now, shall we?

So now I'm feeling Judged and scrutinized and under the microscope and at the end of it all, I think it's ok. I guess I need it, whether I want it or not. I'd rather have my life be an open book than everyone I meet just get a cold shoulder or an edited version to make myself look better, especially towards the people I love. I'd much rather have the bat in my hand than on the mantle where the trophy should go. (That makes so little sense out of context...)

I am ready to break out of my little pond though. There's a big wide world out there and I intend to see it! Like the fraggle that left home, I too desire something more, something greater. I don't desire to leave anyone behind though, I'd much rather take as many people on this adventure as I can with me!

Now to grow out the epic facial hair...

Have a pleasant tomorrow!

-J